I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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