then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there was a trapeze. enough said
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
