I could make wine with my vomit
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
