the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think my moral compass just broke
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
