Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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