Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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