Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
