Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
