Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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