Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize