Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
