Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
