Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
