dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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