I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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