you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
