I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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