3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
