I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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