the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
