You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
