I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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