Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's never too late to be topless.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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