just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
