I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
