I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Bring me that man meat
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
