Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
