WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
did i walk over a car last night?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
