I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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