It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish my penis had an off switch
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
