he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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