The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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