I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
