if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
