I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
