toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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