Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
