I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
God I need to hump something, right now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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