How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
