If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
