Betty ford says i'm here all night
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
whose ass print is on the piano?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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