I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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