I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
