nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
