I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
