I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
