I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
