you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
