He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
