So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
