I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
