atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
