I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
