Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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