she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize