Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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