When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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