oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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