the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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