This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hippo gnu deer
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
