i barfeds in our rink
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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