1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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